Quick question for the Bachelor-watching masses: Who could have possibly watched Andi Dorfman‘s season, looked at whiny, annoying, sex-shaming Nick Viall and gone, “Yeah, I’d hit that?”
Another quick, slightly similar question: Who could have possibly watched Chris Soules’ season, looked at Ashley S, and thought “yes, I’d like her to do my hair AND give me advice on relationships?”
Basically what we’re getting at here is that Kaitlyn Bristowe might be certifiably insane. Sure, we can all joke/be very truthful about the fact that anyone who has ever been on this show has to be at least a little bit nuts, but this is beyond just being on the show. This is about a complete inability to learn from the past and very obvious mistakes of other people.
Even Andi Dorfman herself weighed in on Twitter, saying, “One word… RUN! Okay two… RUN FAST!”
Kaitlyn, however, was apparently not able to Twitter time travel, so she didn’t even look slightly wary of the dude. When Nick showed up (to take pictures with “fans”), she looked more excited than she has about anything else all season.
She’s got a whole crop of hot guys with a bonus turd face named JJ, but she’s only got eyes for an actual human snake, and for that we’ve got to wonder what the hell is wrong with her.
Anyway, let’s head back to the beginning because we’ve got some serious Clint drama to deal with.
Kaitlyn confronted Clint about how he’s an a—hole, and he just kept countering by talking about JJ.
“Me and JJ, we’ve become like best best best friends,” he whined.
“This isn’t about JJ!” Kaitlyn says, because it isn’t.
Whatever. He’s an idiot, and he’s goin’ home.
Meanwhile, JJ’s inside giving interviews about his BBBF, Clint.
“He’ll still be my friend. I’ll defend him. I’ll probably know him the rest of my life.”
After that sweet statement, imagine our surprise when JJ turned around and told Clint he needed to apologize for “taking time and emotions” away from the guys and Kaitlyn.
We couldn’t really understand Clint and JJ’s ensuing conversation due to all the bleeps, but it did not sound like a convo between two guys who will know each other for the rest of their lives, unless one of them is about to murder the other one.
Kaitlyn goes on about how even JJ is calling Clint out, while JJ is actually crying during his own interview and not since Ashley S.’s onion/pomegranate soliloquy has this show felt so raw, so real.
We’ll miss you, artist of the finest picture of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops that has ever been:
Kaitlyn then decides she’s too emotional and feeling good about everybody to have a rose ceremony, and they might as well get rid of it completely because at this rate, it’s not really even necessary.
So, up next, the whole gang is headed to New York for a week of rap battles, Broadway, and one of the worst things/men to have ever sexed up a bachelorette. (Is he worse than Juan Pablo? That’s a conversation for after we see how the rest of this season goes.)
While Kaitlyn pondered her life choices all by herself on a boat, the guys could totally see themselves falling in love in New York, unlike, apparently, Los Angeles (because they were all probably too dehydrated to see much of anything).
Shawn and JJ and a few other specimens got to go have a rap battle, led by Doug E. Fresh.
It was uneventful and lame for a rap battle (as expected), except for two gems.
First, JJ said this: “I’ve literally listened to zero rap in my entire life. I listen to broadway showtunes religiously.”
Then, Justin received the rose for inadvertently forcing Shawn B. to show us all his abs, blinding us with beauty for the rest of the show (we wish) so we don’t have to lay eyes on Grossy McGrosserson, who was grossly hanging out at the battle, taking gross pictures with (we assume) gross fans.
(Ashley I., the virgin, was also there, but didn’t get a chance to inform us as to her current level of sexual experience, unfortunately.)
Kaitlyn squealed and got all terrible and we contemplated shutting any and all nearby screens completely off in order to avoid watching her kiss and hug and pretend she’s even vaguely questioning the idea of letting Nick join the show.
The other guys are understandably and rightly unhappy when she told them about Nick, and they immediately analyzing their “better and stronger connections” with Kaitlyn, like they’re comparing internet in 2003.
“My heart is a weird place to be right now,” Kaitlyn says, sometime around when she goes to get some hair expertise with a side of relationship advice from the one and only Ashley S.
Ashley, who Kaitlyn claims is an “intelligent person,” does actually give some good advice when she tells Kaitlyn that her feelings for Nick are probably just lust, and might probably go away, even though we’re positively disgusted by the idea of lusting for the vile Nick Viall.
Anyway, Kaitlyn wants to sleep on it, and by sleep on it, she means go on a one-on-one with Jared. He still looks like a cartoon supervillain, but he’s totally sweet during the date. They have dinner and ride in a helicopter, and whatever, it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore.
At this point we’re over it. We’re over all of it. Hot guys? Over it. Stupid dates? Over it. Shawn B. Over it (just kidding). Ashley S.? Over it. Kaitlyn talking to Nick in the rain right after getting her hair done? We don’t even curr.
We would curr so much, however, if the guys actually followed through on their discussion to possibly revolt. We would die to see a season where all the suitors decided to revolt against the Bachelor or Bachelorette, all while forming beautiful friendships and also possibly a boy/girl band in the process.
For now, however, that remains just a distant dream, because there’s still a whole bunch of Broadway shows that have yet to be tainted by reality television.
Kaitlyn takes the rest of the dudes to learn the Broadway ropes from the cast of Aladdin, which is awesome, and forces them to sing (and pop out of the floor!), which is not so awesome (except for popping out of the floor!). Cupcake does pretty much just fine, so he wins the prize of getting to stand on stage with Kaitlyn for five seconds during the actual show.
Then it was time for Nick to arrive at the hotel, and of course, the episode ended just as he opened the door to a room full of men who already hate his guts, followed by cameras feeding images to a nation of millions who also hate his guts. Villains gonna vil, we guess, and Nick Viall’s got “villain” in his name.
We genuinely, honestly, with all of our hearts do not understand Kaitlyn’s attraction to Nick. We’re also not so clear on what has happened to a season that started out so promising with all those dudes getting to vote on which woman was prettier by putting roses in their boxes.
We never want to watch this show again, but tune in next week to see what happens next anyway!
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